22. It was morning in the bunkhouse. The guys were showered, dressed and finishing up breakfast. Scattered over the furniture were glasses containing various amounts of Orange Blossom and Bloody Mary. The aroma of sausage and omelettes was in the air. A basket of croissants that Gilles had baked sat on the kitchen counter. Russell Crow and several other birds peered in the window waiting for a tasty snack.
For the first time since dawn, they took stock of their company. What with all the excitement of being on television, the ample supply of wine and spirits, and the presence of Emily, it took them awhile to notice changes in the cast of characters. My goodness! All the "car guys" but Bentley had vanished, seemingly without a trace. Bentley himself paraded around in a dandy costume worthy of Jay Gatsby, constantly posing in a stance with a bent knee and one foot on an ottoman or the edge of a chair and pretending to hold a cigar. He seemed to disappear every night for a couple of hours after dinner--no one knew where. And he was always muttering. Other than that, he was charming company.
Their attention turned to Tanner. What was he doing here? "What are you doing here?" said Owen.
"Why, I'm the designated Strangest.Encounter.Ever for this season," Tanner replied. "You know, the contestant who shows up unannounced and gets all the other guys' dander up because it's not fair for me to be here?"
All the men stared in amusement. Then each of them walked over and shook hands with Tanner except Bentley, who smirked and declared, "As long as What's-His-Butt doesn't use up all the hot water, it doesn't matter to me." The Fleiss mice were frantically searching for Mary Anne, whose cue cards with expressions of righteous indignation and outright hostility were nowhere to be seen. Mary Anne was behind the kitchen counter eating a croissant and waiting for Gilles. The producers were moving cameras around and having a conversation about shooting the scene over again.
Suddenly the front door burst open. In stumbled Dodge in his disheveled state. The man gasped in unison, "Where have you been?"
"Oh, do I have a story to tell!" Dodge gasped.
"Good grief, what happened?" The crowd wanted to know. "You look like you've been doing battle with a small army." "Well, small navy," they amended, given Dodge's sodden clothing.
The Fleiss mice started to scurry around again, anticipating some dramatic footage.
"I was knitting sweaters." The Fleiss mice stopped in their tracks. The men stared incredulously.
"I do have a story but I honestly don't have a good memory of what it is. Beamer had a wreck, then Ford, Cooper and I got kidnapped and taken to some kind of torture chamber with sharp objects and rope, then I found myself on a path on the grounds here, and I have this piece of paper that says I can come back because I won the drag race. Speaking of . . . I feel as if I've been in drag--er, dragged somewhere."
The Fleiss mice stared at each other. Are we going to be able to show this kinky stuff?
Just then, Russell Crow waddled through the open door, another envelope in his beak. He walked over to Bentley and proffered the paper goods. Bently took the envelope, removed the card, and reviewed the contents. He beckoned to Owen. "You read this. It doesn't taste very good coming out of my mouth."
Owen, shaking his head, took the card. He read, "Joseph - I'd like to put you where the sun doesn't shine. Emily."
23. Joseph met Emily in the middle of the large lawn. They greeted each other warmly and had a nice, affectionate hug. Before they could start up a conversation, though, a helicopter landed and the pilot beckoned them to climb inside.
Emily, having been through this drill several times before, donned her headset and immediately relaxed in her seat. It was Joseph's first time; he was a bit hesitant, but eager to get started on an exciting adventure with the lovely Emily. The sky was a bright, gorgeous azure without a cloud in sight. Emily looked fetching in khaki short shorts and matching camp shirt, with a silk neck scarf in that same beautiful azure blue, and glistening glass LowButtons to match. Her last thought before the helicopter took off was how much she was going to need a foot massage from Tanner when she returned.
The camera man was huddled in the back of the helicopter with his equipment, some strange looking gear, and a picnic basket.
For the first time, Emily was seeing Care-A-Lion from the air. She pointed out the highlights to Joseph.
"See over there?" Emily pointed to a large area with high grass and sparse trees. "That's a wildlife preserve."
"You're kidding!" Joseph exclaimed. "I never would have know it was there."
"Oh, yes," Emily continued. "It's not open to the public anymore, but they say there are still some pretty scary animals there. And look. On the other side of the river is a place called the Never World. Isn't that funny? I keep thinking it must be where Peter Pan lives."
"Have you ever been there?" Joseph asked.
"Oh, no." Emily shuddered. "There's an old legend that people who go there never come out. Some say they come under the spell of a very powerful queen. I wanted to read Ricki a story about it, but there's nothing on the Internet, so it must not be true. Still, I don't want to take any chances."
"Yes. It's always best to be cautious," Joseph mused, continuing to gawk at the scenery.
Presently they landed. Emily and Joseph walked from the clearing into a wooded area. The camera crew, gear and picnic basked in tow, followed. They stopped at what looked like a rocky hillside with a small opening.
"What is this?" Joseph asked.
"Oh, this is a Care-A-Lion's best kept secret. It's a cave. We're going treasure hunting," Emily said.
Joseph's heart sank. "But I'm afraid of the dark!" He was almost in tears.
"I know," Emily said, sympathetically. " We check these things out before we invite people on the show. You see, in order to be a suitable husband, you have to conquer your fears, you know? Take a leap of faith. Yes! If we can do this, we can do anything! The world will be your oyster! And if things don't work out, you can train to be a Navy Seal." Emily batted her eyelashes.
Joseph laughed. Emily was nothing if not persuasive. The part of his contract that said he'd indemnify the production company and network from any serious bodily injury--that wasn't serious, was it? OK, here goes!
They entered the cave, illuminated only by a flashlight carried by the cameraman. About 20 feet inside, they reached the edge of a chasm that was about 10 feet wide. At the bottom--about 200 feet down--was a briskly flowing stream. "How do we get across?" Joseph asked.
"We don't," Emily responded. "We're going down."
"Yeah, right," Joseph thought. Looking at Emily, he simply shrugged his shoulders.
They donned harnesses attached to ropes and lowered themselves off the edge.
"I just don't understood why they call this 'repelling'," Emily remarked. (Clearly this was not a place for Mary Anne with her "RAPPEL" cue card. We'll just have to let that one pass.) "I mean, like, 'cause you have to stay close to the wall, not move away from it." Joseph looked at Emily. He wondered why she hadn't ditched her playsuit for a bikini. Isn't that what's supposed to happen on dates that involve water? Maybe she'll disrobe after lunch.
Emily made sure to stay close enough to Joseph to give him a demure peck on the cheek, as if in appreciation for his effort. After what seemed to Joseph like an eternity, they reached bottom. Joseph breathed a sigh of relief.
The picnic basket had been lowered by rope. Emily opened it and offered Joseph some white raisins from a jar. "They'll make a good appetizer while I set things up," Emily said. Joseph, famished, took a handful and gobbled them up in an instant.
They dug into their lunch of fried chicken, three bean salad, biscuits, and turtle cheesecake for dessert. There was a bottle of chablis. Emily always got envolved in the wine selection. "Yuck!" Emily grimaced. "Where in the world did they get these awful biscuits? They taste like they came from a can!" She poured some more wine and took several sips. She got up and started to walk to the water's edge. She stubbed her shoe against a rock and had to weave a little to keep her balance. She noticed a chip in the toe.
Joseph looked as if he were trying to say something. "What . . . what . . . is the treasure . . . " His voice trailed off. He tried again, "Ooh . . . I'm getting dizzy . . . don't . . . feel . . ."
Then, just like that, he keeled over in a faint, his head in the soil at the side of the river.
When Emily heard the sound, she looked over to see Charon in a boat coming out of the dimmest part of the cave. A ladder was lowered from above. Emily climbed up and back into the sunlight, leaving the picnic--and Joseph--behind. As she boarded the helicopter, Russell Crow picked a rose up from the ground and flew--as the crow flies--back to the bunkhouse.
Russell Crow dropped the rose at Bentley's feet. Bentley looked at it and nodded. "Another one bites the dust," he intoned.
24. Emily returned to her room. A pretty red cardinal, as if sensing that something important had happened, left through the window and made his way to the boat dock.
Emily felt strange. What had happened to Joseph was terrible. She knew she should feel bad for him, but she was oddly detached. She wondered why. She knew she
needed a foot massage and a nap. She took off her shoes and studied the chip that the rock had inflicted. She wouldn't be able to wear them again looking like that. She wondered if they could be repaired.
She walked over to the mirror. At first she didn't see anything. Then Ferry Godmother's image came into view."What happened today? What happened to Joseph?" Emily wanted to know.
"Well," Ferry Godmother mused. "Did he eat any white raisins?"
"Why, yes, he did," answered Emily.
"And how did your shoe get damaged?" Ferry Godmother followed up.
"I, I, I, tripped a little."
"Has this ever happened before?"
"Why, uh, no, I don't think so."
Ferry Godmother faded from view, but Emily could still hear her voice. "How do you see yourself?"
Other than her own reflection, the image in the mirror was blurred. She knew there was a picture there, but she couldn't make it out. Yet, she thought, "I don't see myself with Joseph."
And she still hadn't touched a rose.
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